Two Years

Sunday it was two years since Kaden passed away. I spent the morning going through his things, pictures, cards, clothes, things from the NICU. It was good to remember things I don't normally allow myself to think about. I went to the cemetery with Kaden's paternal grandparents and his Godfather and did a balloon release. It was so windy though that the ribbons got all knotted up.

Christmas was what should have been Kaden's second birthday. My family went to the cemetery and read some poems and did a balloon release. The weather was so nice considering it was December in Wyoming.

It has been brought up about doing something in the Summer so friends and family from other places could come and then we wouldn't have to worry about the weather. I am thinking about it and looking at the calendar June 25th would be Kaden's "half-birthday" and it would be on a Saturday . . .

Kaden's Mommy

Pictures

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. I went to visit some family and my family is really big on pictures. I found it weird that they didn't have any pictures of Kaden anywhere. I have so many pictures of him at my house and in my office. He is such a big part of my life and I know if he would have survived he would have been a big part of my family. I know if he would have survived there would be pictures of him everywhere at all my family's houses. I guess I am just missing Kaden a lot. Tomorrow it will be 17 months since he passed away. He would be almost 18 months old. This should be the fun age. Learning all the new things and running all around. I play softball and I just think that Kaden should be there and playing in the park and sitting with Grandparents and Aunt and cousins watching, learning how to throw a ball.

Kaden's Mommy

Long time

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. I have been trying to keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think. It works until I am home. I live alone, no other children to keep me busy, no husband or boyfriend, and my family is usually a pretty busy bunch.

I have notice that there are a lot of things people don't understand. With keeping myself so busy I have been going a lot of places lately such as state DI competition, New Orleans, Prom and post-Prom, visiting friends and family, anywhere I can. I see Kaden everywhere. Even places that are not for kids I imagine where he would be and what he would be doing while I am there.

I had so much I wanted to say on here today and now my mind is a total blank! So frustrating!

Kaden's Mommy

On a Positive note

I have received a lot of things in Kaden's Memory and I LOVE them. Thank you to all who have done something for me. They a great and I actually smile when I look at the pictures :)

Kaden's Mommy

Rapid City and Easter

I went to Rapid City yesterday, it was hard but I made it through!! (Kaden passed away in the NICU in Rapid). I am actually crying more now as I write this than I did yesterday. It really help going with a friend who really understood, she has not lost a child but she has lost both her parents. It was hard driving down streets and knowing the hospital was just on the next block or walking through stores remembering that it was where I went during shift changes. When it was time to eat we picked a restaurant that I had not gone to the three weeks I was in Rapid with Kaden. I still remember almost every second of being in Rapid for those three weeks. If I would have known I would have only had three weeks with my son I would have spent more time at the NICU with him. The doctors would tell me to go rest and stuff but maybe I shouldn't have. I missed out on things I will never get back.

Easter was hard. I just kept thinking about how Kaden would have been 15 months old and he would have been able to have is first egg hunt! It was also Breanna's birthday. Birthdays are still hard. I mean Breanna is 18 now and it is still hard just thinking about how Kaden doesn't get an 18th birthday. He will never be a senior in high school and do all the things I am watching my cousins do now. I try to be positive around my family but it doesn't stop my heart from hurting.

Kaden's Mommy

Sleep

Sleep is a double edge sword. I am afraid to go to sleep at night. I have found myself doing everything I can to stay awake as long as possible even knowing I have to get up early and go to work. And I actually have to use my brain at work. I don't want to sleep because I know I have to wake up in the morning and go through it all again even if only for a few seconds. My first thoughts are always of Kaden and that leads to the thoughts of losing him and reliving that day over and over. Even with the sleeping pills I fight them as long as I can after taking them.

But on the other side sleep is where I don't have to think. When I am asleep most times it is blank, the only relief I get from the painful thoughts. I have had very few nightmares dealing with Kaden. But on the other hand I have had even fewer good dreams about Kaden. Sleep is suppose to help us heal, gives the mind and the body time to heal itself.

Of course not sleeping leads to running my body down, making it easier for me to get sick which leads to staying at home in bed all day and just thinking. Time to think is just not good for me yet.

I am sure there will come a day where it is ok for me to sleep, where I won't have to relive January 16th 2009 over and over when I wake up but I am not there yet. Until then not sure what I am going to do.

Kaden's Mommy

Meeting New People

So I went out last night and I had a good time. I spent time with my family and friends. I didn't meet any new people which I think made the night easier. Whenever you meet new people you have to do the getting to know you thing and the first things that always come up are "Are you married/dating someone?" and "Do you have any kids?" First question is easy. No and I am not looking to be either. I am just not in a place where I want to be dating. I am having a hard enough time dealing with my own feeling to have to worry about someone else's. Sometimes it sucks dealing with the grief of losing my son on my own but anyone I would be dating would not understand either because Kaden wasn't their son. My family is great and pretty supportive and I know they lost someone they love too but it is different when it is your child. A parent should never have to bury their child.

Second question is a little harder. Well not harder but leads to harder questions. Yes I do have a son, then comes the "How old?" I have answered that two different ways "He would be 15 months old" and "Well he passed away when he was 22 days old." Both answers bring on the awkwardness. No one knows what to say and I don't know what to tell people to say. Nothing is going to make me feel better but they shouldn't feel bad for asking, I mean how are they suppose to know? Then do you continue to talk about it or do you change the subject? I have had people then ask what happened and I have had people change the subject. I don't know which one is better. I do suggest that if you want to ask more questions make sure you ask the person if they feel like talking about it and if they don't want to talk about it don't push it. Sometimes people will tell you more about their child and what happened with out you having to ask. I know I have.

Truthfully I love talking about my son but there are days that I can't do it without crying. I love when people I know and who know Kaden bring him up and tell me they miss him and love him and tell me stories about him or even just a quick "thinking about Kaden." I mean even just a quick text out of nowhere. It lets me know he is not forgotten. (This is one of those examples of knowing something in your head, but reassuring your heart)

Kaden's Mommy