I have found that it doesn't matter the holiday, it is going to be a day that I miss Kaden even more than usual. Today is St Patrick's day and Saturday (March 20th) would have been my due date in 2009 so that means if things would have gone like they were suppose to we would be getting ready to celebrate Kaden's first birthday. It is weird to think of that since Kaden was born on Christmas day but still. Then Easter is coming up right around the corner which just happends to be Breanna's birthday this year and Ashley's is just four days behind hers. Last Easter I was able to tell myself who better for Kaden to hear about the story of Easter from than Jesus himself but I don't know if that will help this year when this year he would have been able to walk and actually do an egg hunt himself.
I am still sprinkling confetti on Kaden's grave for holidays. It was suggested to me by a friend whose youngest son was still born 13 years ago. I find that is does help a small bit and it is a way for me to decorate Kaden's grave site. I have found a website that you can order from and they have all shapes and colors.
I did not want to get out of bed today and I am going to celebrate with friends and family tonight and I am already dreading it. I am sure once I am there I will have a good time I just don't even want to go right now. Just want to curl up on the couch with a book and take a nap. I know it doesn't do me any good and I am sure if Kaden were here I would get a babysitter so I could go out with my friends and family but now that I don't have him here with me anymore he is all I want.
Kaden's Mommy
Kaden James
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Feeling Kaden Move
I was talking with a friend over the weekend who expecting her first child in September and we got to talking about feeling the baby move. I didn't get to feel Kaden move much because he was born so early but I was lucky in getting to feel him move. It is such a different feeling. I can't describe it. I first got to feel him start moving when I was about five months along and Kaden was born a month later-at 28 weeks.
I remember many times just sitting there feeling him move around and watching him move from one side to the other. You could just see him move across my belly, if you have never seen it, it is amazing. I never knew that is was hard where the baby was and softer everywhere else. My cousins always wanted to feel him move but he hardly ever moved when people were around. (feel free to share your memories of feeling him move in the comment section here. I would love to hear them!)
There was one time when I was at home just laying on the couch, I was on my left side and one of my cats was laying next to me up against my belly and Kaden kicked her. She looked like what the hell was that and ran off. Kaden's father hates cats so I had to tell him right away and he said "that's my boy!" Another time, the first time Kaden's father got to feel him move, we were sleeping and I was on my side and his father had his hand on my belly. We were both sound asleep and Kaden kicked right where his father's hand was. It woke us both up and his father said "what was that?" I said "that is the baby waking us up. He is awake and wants us to be too I guess."
I never wanted to feel my friend's babies move, it kinda weirded me out but when Kaden started moving it was so wonderful. Everyone wanted to feel it. My family didn't care, it was like my belly was theirs, they felt it and talked to Kaden whenever they wanted, They were all so excited to have Kaden. He was loved from the first second I told them I was having a baby. Everyone had big plans for him, They actually even let me make some of the plans!
Kaden's Mommy
I remember many times just sitting there feeling him move around and watching him move from one side to the other. You could just see him move across my belly, if you have never seen it, it is amazing. I never knew that is was hard where the baby was and softer everywhere else. My cousins always wanted to feel him move but he hardly ever moved when people were around. (feel free to share your memories of feeling him move in the comment section here. I would love to hear them!)
There was one time when I was at home just laying on the couch, I was on my left side and one of my cats was laying next to me up against my belly and Kaden kicked her. She looked like what the hell was that and ran off. Kaden's father hates cats so I had to tell him right away and he said "that's my boy!" Another time, the first time Kaden's father got to feel him move, we were sleeping and I was on my side and his father had his hand on my belly. We were both sound asleep and Kaden kicked right where his father's hand was. It woke us both up and his father said "what was that?" I said "that is the baby waking us up. He is awake and wants us to be too I guess."
I never wanted to feel my friend's babies move, it kinda weirded me out but when Kaden started moving it was so wonderful. Everyone wanted to feel it. My family didn't care, it was like my belly was theirs, they felt it and talked to Kaden whenever they wanted, They were all so excited to have Kaden. He was loved from the first second I told them I was having a baby. Everyone had big plans for him, They actually even let me make some of the plans!
Kaden's Mommy
Weekend
Since I have started this blog so many things have been going on in my head. I have been struggling lately and I am thinking it is because I am replaying every little thing and thinking about how things should be different. There is still not a day that goes by that I don't cry. All weekend long I didn't want to do anything but I made myself. I did have a good time and I am glad I did stuff. I am still not over the guilty feelings that I have the day after I go out and do things and have a good time. I am working on it and it is better but it is still there. I would trade all the fun times to have Kaden back.
Kaden's Mommy
Kaden's Mommy
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
All the beautiful things
I have been looking at other blogs today and reading them and I have to say I am just AMAZED at all the beautiful things people make for memory items. I would have never thought of half of them ever! I wish there was something I could do. Of course I want one of everything with Kaden's name on it :) It is so sad to see all the names of babies on things but it is so wonderful that people are willing and able to do these things. It lets you know that you are not alone and others are thinking of your baby too. I would post things for all these pages on my page if I knew how. Thank you to all the people who do this and if you know how I can get any of these memory items made for my son please let me know!
Ultrasounds
I loved getting ultrasounds. It was a way to see the baby and see what he was doing before I could feel him. The 3D ones were kinda weird and I didn't really like them. There was one time when I was getting an ultrasound and Kaden's father was there and the tech had a great picture of his profile when Kaden just flipped around and kicked right were the wand was! She got a perfect picture of his foot. The father looked at me and said "Did you feel that?" I said no. I hadn't felt a thing, it was one of the first ultrasounds and we didn't even know the sex yet. The father thought it was so crazy that we could see him moving around so much and I couldn't feel it yet.
We had decided to find out the sex of the baby, OK I decided and didn't really care what the father said but he wanted to know too. I thought it would be easier with the name and shopping. When she first started the ultrasound she did the measuring and all the stuff she had to do first and I just wanted to know! Finally she asked if we wanted to know, she had no problem finding out it was a boy. She looked at the screen and said "It's a boy" and pointed out the obvious sign. The father said "Yes!" and secretly I was pretty happy too. I had wanted a boy. When we got to the truck I told the father "you weren't suppose to act all excited" He just said "Sorry" and smiled.
Every time I got an ultrasound I loved it. Even the time I had to have an emergency one when I was having some sharp pains that they thought might be my appendix. When they were doing the ultrasound looking for it, I just wanted to see my baby. It turned out to just be round ligament pain but my cousin Lacey got to see Kaden for the first time so it was worth it. We ended up having to go to the ER and it was me, Lacey and my mom. They told us only one person could go with me to the ultrasound. I quickly let them know that it was up to them to decide who it was going to be because I was not going to chose. My mom had gone with me to the first one so she let Lacey go with me. Of course I think Lacey probably would have tackled her and went anyways and I was in too much pain to really listen to what they said.
When we got back from the first ultrasound I showed my nephew the pictures and he asked if he could hold them. Of course I let him. We went to the high school football game that night, Kaden's uncle played so the whole family was there. My nephew was showing off the pictures to anyone who would look at them. Kaden's grandfather had just had surgery and was sitting in a car with my aunt so my nephew and I went to show them the pictures. He handed them to Kaden's grandpa and said "Look at the baby, it looks like an alien!" There were some 3D pictures so of course Grandpa agreed.
Kaden's Mommy
We had decided to find out the sex of the baby, OK I decided and didn't really care what the father said but he wanted to know too. I thought it would be easier with the name and shopping. When she first started the ultrasound she did the measuring and all the stuff she had to do first and I just wanted to know! Finally she asked if we wanted to know, she had no problem finding out it was a boy. She looked at the screen and said "It's a boy" and pointed out the obvious sign. The father said "Yes!" and secretly I was pretty happy too. I had wanted a boy. When we got to the truck I told the father "you weren't suppose to act all excited" He just said "Sorry" and smiled.
Every time I got an ultrasound I loved it. Even the time I had to have an emergency one when I was having some sharp pains that they thought might be my appendix. When they were doing the ultrasound looking for it, I just wanted to see my baby. It turned out to just be round ligament pain but my cousin Lacey got to see Kaden for the first time so it was worth it. We ended up having to go to the ER and it was me, Lacey and my mom. They told us only one person could go with me to the ultrasound. I quickly let them know that it was up to them to decide who it was going to be because I was not going to chose. My mom had gone with me to the first one so she let Lacey go with me. Of course I think Lacey probably would have tackled her and went anyways and I was in too much pain to really listen to what they said.
When we got back from the first ultrasound I showed my nephew the pictures and he asked if he could hold them. Of course I let him. We went to the high school football game that night, Kaden's uncle played so the whole family was there. My nephew was showing off the pictures to anyone who would look at them. Kaden's grandfather had just had surgery and was sitting in a car with my aunt so my nephew and I went to show them the pictures. He handed them to Kaden's grandpa and said "Look at the baby, it looks like an alien!" There were some 3D pictures so of course Grandpa agreed.
Kaden's Mommy
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Baby Names
For me picking out a name was very important. I wanted to do it right away. Once the shock wore off I started thinking about names, names in books, movies, anywhere and everywhere I could. I started making list of names and talking with the baby's father about them. He kept telling me we have lots of time to pick one but I didn't care. We started crossing off names we didn't like and making maybe lists. I knew the girls names were going to be the hardest because there are so many in my family and almost everyone is named after someone. They were all the traditional names like Lynn, Mary, Marie, Dawn, Lee so I knew I wanted one of those for the middle names but figured we could narrow it down if it was a girl.
I found out I was having a boy and knew that naming him would be so much easier. The males in my family all have the name William either as a first name or a middle name since there is only one male in each generation (Grandpa, Uncle, Cousin, Nephew). However my nephew already had William for a middle name. I told the baby's father that he could pick the middle name. It took him a few days and he chose his father's middle name James. He said that he was named after his grandfather and would like to name his son after his son's grandfather. I thought it was great. All that was left was the first name.
Everyone has an opinion on names and they all will tell you about it even people who you don't really know. By the beginning of December I had a list of about ten names that I liked. Everyday I went over them and wrote them and said them out loud with the middle name and the last name. (Turns out my son doesn't have that last name, he has mine but Kaden James Shoopman sounds good and even the hyphenated name I use for the memorial items sounds good) Funny part was that there were three names on the list that were pretty similar and my family was pretty evenly split over which of the three they liked, Aiden, Brayden and Kaden. I tried different spellings of them and finally had it down to two names-Jonathan and Kaden. I don't do nicknames very often. If I name my baby something that is what I want them called. I knew that if I went with Jonathan someone would want to call him Jon and I don't like that name.
Not sure of the exact date but I am pretty sure December 5th I decided on Kaden James. I know I told my cousin Tessa on December 7th. We were helping at a dinner and I remember telling her and her rubbing my belly and saying "Hello Kaden James" and I told her to be quite because I hadn't told the father yet and he was only a few feet from us.
A part of me is happy that I did have a name pick so early because with all that happened surrounding Kaden's birth, it was one thing I didn't have to worry about and if I would not have survived my family knew the name I wanted and I knew Lacey would name him that for me. I use to say that it must have been Lacey who named him while I was all drugged up because that was the name she really liked and she was calling him Kaden before I had decided on it (she was in the room with me kinda I will explain that all later). But I do remember yelling when the nurse or someone was filling out paper work and said something like "now it's Caden with a C-A-D" and I started yelling "NO WITH A K! Are you stupid?" Not sure if I said that last part out loud but I know I was thinking it and knowing me I probably did.
Sometimes I am not so happy I had a name picked so early because I think maybe if I didn't have a name picked he would not have been born so early. I know it is silly to think that way but like I said I think of all the "what ifs" and you can tell your self it is a silly thought but that doesn't make you stop having it.
Kaden's Mommy
I found out I was having a boy and knew that naming him would be so much easier. The males in my family all have the name William either as a first name or a middle name since there is only one male in each generation (Grandpa, Uncle, Cousin, Nephew). However my nephew already had William for a middle name. I told the baby's father that he could pick the middle name. It took him a few days and he chose his father's middle name James. He said that he was named after his grandfather and would like to name his son after his son's grandfather. I thought it was great. All that was left was the first name.
Everyone has an opinion on names and they all will tell you about it even people who you don't really know. By the beginning of December I had a list of about ten names that I liked. Everyday I went over them and wrote them and said them out loud with the middle name and the last name. (Turns out my son doesn't have that last name, he has mine but Kaden James Shoopman sounds good and even the hyphenated name I use for the memorial items sounds good) Funny part was that there were three names on the list that were pretty similar and my family was pretty evenly split over which of the three they liked, Aiden, Brayden and Kaden. I tried different spellings of them and finally had it down to two names-Jonathan and Kaden. I don't do nicknames very often. If I name my baby something that is what I want them called. I knew that if I went with Jonathan someone would want to call him Jon and I don't like that name.
Not sure of the exact date but I am pretty sure December 5th I decided on Kaden James. I know I told my cousin Tessa on December 7th. We were helping at a dinner and I remember telling her and her rubbing my belly and saying "Hello Kaden James" and I told her to be quite because I hadn't told the father yet and he was only a few feet from us.
A part of me is happy that I did have a name pick so early because with all that happened surrounding Kaden's birth, it was one thing I didn't have to worry about and if I would not have survived my family knew the name I wanted and I knew Lacey would name him that for me. I use to say that it must have been Lacey who named him while I was all drugged up because that was the name she really liked and she was calling him Kaden before I had decided on it (she was in the room with me kinda I will explain that all later). But I do remember yelling when the nurse or someone was filling out paper work and said something like "now it's Caden with a C-A-D" and I started yelling "NO WITH A K! Are you stupid?" Not sure if I said that last part out loud but I know I was thinking it and knowing me I probably did.
Sometimes I am not so happy I had a name picked so early because I think maybe if I didn't have a name picked he would not have been born so early. I know it is silly to think that way but like I said I think of all the "what ifs" and you can tell your self it is a silly thought but that doesn't make you stop having it.
Kaden's Mommy
Monday, March 8, 2010
Still feeling lost
I am going to skip back and forth between posting memories and what is happening right now.
Kaden would be 14 months old now, well we will just call it 14 months but I do know months, weeks, days even hours and minutes. It is so weird to think about all the things we would be doing and to wonder what he would be like. I don't know much about how his father was when he was a baby so I like to think Kaden would be like me and take after my family. I think about what things my family would have taught him by now. Especially Josh. I remember how much my nephew looked up to him and I know Kaden would have been the same way. There are very few males in the family and they have to stick together. Kaden would be about the age Breanna was when I started babysitting her in the summers and I remember all the stuff we use to do together. Breanna is older than I was but she would have been babysitting Kaden this summer and I am sure there would have been some pay back.
I still wake up every morning and my first thought is Kaden and he is my last thought every night before I go to sleep. It has been pretty hard lately with the due date coming up. I know Kaden was born on Christmas and he has a birthday but I still think What if he wasn't born early and was born on his due date, that means his first birthday would be coming up. I have found I go over every "what if" even ones no one else thinks of. If he was born on his due date his birthday would be right in the middle of most the others in my family. After I had Kaden I didn't really think about how I should still be pregnant. Even right after I lost him I didn't think about it much. I mean every once in a while I did but this year I have been thinking more about the "what if I would have gone full term." What things did I miss out on?
Kaden's Mommy
Kaden would be 14 months old now, well we will just call it 14 months but I do know months, weeks, days even hours and minutes. It is so weird to think about all the things we would be doing and to wonder what he would be like. I don't know much about how his father was when he was a baby so I like to think Kaden would be like me and take after my family. I think about what things my family would have taught him by now. Especially Josh. I remember how much my nephew looked up to him and I know Kaden would have been the same way. There are very few males in the family and they have to stick together. Kaden would be about the age Breanna was when I started babysitting her in the summers and I remember all the stuff we use to do together. Breanna is older than I was but she would have been babysitting Kaden this summer and I am sure there would have been some pay back.
I still wake up every morning and my first thought is Kaden and he is my last thought every night before I go to sleep. It has been pretty hard lately with the due date coming up. I know Kaden was born on Christmas and he has a birthday but I still think What if he wasn't born early and was born on his due date, that means his first birthday would be coming up. I have found I go over every "what if" even ones no one else thinks of. If he was born on his due date his birthday would be right in the middle of most the others in my family. After I had Kaden I didn't really think about how I should still be pregnant. Even right after I lost him I didn't think about it much. I mean every once in a while I did but this year I have been thinking more about the "what if I would have gone full term." What things did I miss out on?
Kaden's Mommy
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