Still feeling lost

I am going to skip back and forth between posting memories and what is happening right now.



Kaden would be 14 months old now, well we will just call it 14 months but I do know months, weeks, days even hours and minutes. It is so weird to think about all the things we would be doing and to wonder what he would be like. I don't know much about how his father was when he was a baby so I like to think Kaden would be like me and take after my family. I think about what things my family would have taught him by now. Especially Josh. I remember how much my nephew looked up to him and I know Kaden would have been the same way. There are very few males in the family and they have to stick together. Kaden would be about the age Breanna was when I started babysitting her in the summers and I remember all the stuff we use to do together. Breanna is older than I was but she would have been babysitting Kaden this summer and I am sure there would have been some pay back.

I still wake up every morning and my first thought is Kaden and he is my last thought every night before I go to sleep. It has been pretty hard lately with the due date coming up. I know Kaden was born on Christmas and he has a birthday but I still think What if he wasn't born early and was born on his due date, that means his first birthday would be coming up. I have found I go over every "what if" even ones no one else thinks of. If he was born on his due date his birthday would be right in the middle of most the others in my family. After I had Kaden I didn't really think about how I should still be pregnant. Even right after I lost him I didn't think about it much. I mean every once in a while I did but this year I have been thinking more about the "what if I would have gone full term." What things did I miss out on?

Kaden's Mommy