Sleep

Sleep is a double edge sword. I am afraid to go to sleep at night. I have found myself doing everything I can to stay awake as long as possible even knowing I have to get up early and go to work. And I actually have to use my brain at work. I don't want to sleep because I know I have to wake up in the morning and go through it all again even if only for a few seconds. My first thoughts are always of Kaden and that leads to the thoughts of losing him and reliving that day over and over. Even with the sleeping pills I fight them as long as I can after taking them.

But on the other side sleep is where I don't have to think. When I am asleep most times it is blank, the only relief I get from the painful thoughts. I have had very few nightmares dealing with Kaden. But on the other hand I have had even fewer good dreams about Kaden. Sleep is suppose to help us heal, gives the mind and the body time to heal itself.

Of course not sleeping leads to running my body down, making it easier for me to get sick which leads to staying at home in bed all day and just thinking. Time to think is just not good for me yet.

I am sure there will come a day where it is ok for me to sleep, where I won't have to relive January 16th 2009 over and over when I wake up but I am not there yet. Until then not sure what I am going to do.

Kaden's Mommy